The last few days everything that has happened over the last month suddenly hit me. The turbulant times at work, some stresses at home and, on top of that, some random virus (giving me stomach cramps, diziness and headaches) saw me smash into an emotional and physical brick wall. I wasn’t motivated to do anything more than the mundane at work. I ticked off all the core chores at home but nothing more. I skipped any exercise plans and then abandoned planning all together. And, most unusually, I lost any inclination to blog. To read. To tweet. To Instagram. To even go on my computer and pretend.
It was such a weird feeling. As I mentioned in a blog post back in March, I have been blogging for 10 years. During that entire period, the only time I have stopped blogging is after my mum died. After that it took me almost 4 months before I put fingers to keyboard. I just lost the inspiration. I didn’t know what to say. Even when I did write my first post after such a long absence, I then didn’t blog for another 2.5 months.
Since having Little H, blogging has become a core part of who I am. I discovered the parent-blogger community who share tales of the highs and lows of parenthood. I joined linkys to share my material and relished having people read my posts and share their experiences in comments. That interaction at many points has really helped me emotionally. Like when Little H had a febrile convulsion and I had to take her to hospital whilst Sam was abroad with work; so many lovely bloggers read and sympathised, making me feel much less alone. Usually when I find the world is getting on top of me, the blogging world (be it either reading or writing) is where I turn. It helps take me out of myself, gives me a way to get things off my chest or assures me I’m not alone with my feelings.
So to suddenly find that I didn’t want to do any of that was very alien to me. It forced me to reflect on the time I spend on my blog and realise that it is easy to take something that’s a hobby and make it a chore. By trying to share my posts more widely over the last 5 months – and get more comments – I have started to lose focus on why I am doing this. During times of stress, rather than realising that I should just write for me, I now feel the pressure of hitting my own self-imposed deadlines for set posts. The pressure to join a growing list of Linkys. Pressure that I just don’t need on top of everything else.
So this post was unplanned. It is just a brain dump of thoughts. But it’s how I’ve been feeling and it’s something I need to change. When I am asked to share blogging advice like in the recent Blogger Recognition Award, I always say to be true to yourself and know what you want your blog to be. I have not followed my own advice and ended up finding my blog a burden; feeling guilty for not giving it attention when the thing that needed attention was me. Myself. I.
Fortunately my illness has gone. All is good at home again. The work stresses remain but I have now put them into perspective. I found my desire to write once more. But I also now know that the world doesn’t end if I take some time out from my blogger life for a few days. In fact, I should probably do it more often!
[My complete coincidence, just as I was sitting down to write this, I read the latest rhyme from the super-duper Dawn from Rhyming With Wine about the pressure of blogging stats. She also referenced a post from MeetOtherMums called ‘Who Stole the Blogging Mojo?‘. They were so relevant that I knew I had to put virtual pen to digital paper and just type for once. If you’ve ever felt how I feel then give these two little gems a read!]