I’m not sure. But recently, when the fiasco of pandemic life calms just a little, I have a ‘feeling’. For a while I sat on it and tried to work out what the feeling was. Then I realised it was a sense of waiting. That feeling of “What next?”. But upon finally recognising the emotion linger in my head, I was hit by an even bigger conundrum – why was I feeling that way?
It would be easy to blame this feeling on the pandemic but I don’t think that would be fair. I think some of the waiting and wondering has been in my head, deep down, for a while. I am a very goal focused person – from a micro level set of “To Do list” goals through to bigger ambitions. Since going back to work after maternity leave with Little Z, there has always been a question in my mind about what is next for me in life. But what the recent lockdown has definitely done is add to that list and bring some things more acutely into focus. On an average week I find myself waiting for so many things:
Waiting for Little H to be able to go back to school 5 days a week so I don’t have the stress of trying to teach as well as parent and work.
Waiting for wrap around care to start again so I can close to a “normal” day and claim some of my non-working time back.
Waiting for the summer holidays to start so I can stop thinking about school per above.
Waiting for the summer holidays so I can take my annual leave having not had more than a few days off since Christmas!
Waiting for the summer holidays so I can get Little H’s room decorated and get my vision for it out of my head and into the real world for her.
Waiting for the bugs that keep tormenting my houseplants to finally bugger off (pun intended and I fear this is never going to happen).
Waiting to see my Dad.
Waiting to see my sister AND cuddle my nephew who I have not seen since he was 7 days old and who the rest of my family have never met.
Waiting to be able to go out for a quiet Saturday afternoon tea and cake with Sam and the girls.
Waiting for Little Z to properly engage with potty-training.
Waiting for Tumble Tots to start again so I can take my Little Z climbing.
Waiting for my body to finally get strong enough to do proper transition from full-body plank through to Cobra as opposed to slightly wibbly attempt I currently do.
Waiting for some time to finally do some personal development at work.
Waiting for the update on what the future of my department looks like and what my future role will be, if I do indeed have one.
Waiting for uninterrupted time to overhaul our front garden.
Waiting for the time when I have enough brain capacity in the evening to read and learn more new things.
Waiting for my brain to stop mulling over all the above!
I’m not unhappy. Quite the contrary. I am very grateful and contented with my life. Every year of motherhood teaches me how to be able to rest and focus in on the moment. I am able to find satisfaction in the simplest things through the day and whilst lockdown has been exhausting like very few things I have known, it has also been a chance for my family and I. We’ve learnt to savour the quiet moments at home in the evenings and weekends where perhaps we all felt a need to be doing something. It’s taught me to be grateful for the space, comforts and privileges that I have.
So what of all the above? Nothing really I guess. The simple act of writing this has helped me to accept that there are always things we want to do but can’t in our current season. That there are things outside of our control and where we just have to ride out the storm, be it big or small. The pandemic will play out however it does. My work restructure will be presented in coming weeks and I will deal with whatever hand I have been given or fight my hardest to change it. My girls will get older and the sadness of moving on from the intense younger days will be diluted with the relief of a little more personal space and time to focus on my own projects. So I shall let these feelings of ‘waiting’ be. I’ll accept they are things that will become clearer and resolve in time and I will enjoy the full-on stage of mothering that I am currently living through, grateful for my wonderful, smart and kind daughters.
One final thing I am waiting for too…a hair cut. But now hairdressers have been allowed to re-open, I am booked in. Happy days!