I was sat in bed the other night feeding Little Z before I put her down for her sleep. As I was reading my book, I suddenly felt incredibly lucky. Not I’ve-just-won-£30k-on-a-radio-quiz-show lucky but a more humble Be-Grateful-For-What-You’ve-Got lucky. The reason is because of the book I was reading. I recently purchased ‘Parenting the Sh*t out of Life‘ by Mother and Papa Pukka. In one of the early chapters they both talk about their experiences with miscarriage and I found reading such a honest account very sad. The way Anna and Matt opened up on what they have coped with hit home more than anything else I’ve previously read. As I was winding Little Z on my shoulder, I found myself hugging her close to me and breathing her in, grateful for her, her sister and her Dad.
I am incredibly fortunate to have never experienced a miscarriage but I have friends who have. I have also read about others experiences on blogs and online articles. In the early days of both my pregnancies, I had a genuine fear of something going wrong. For the first few months of pregnancy with Little Z it became a real paranoia and consumed my mind. Growing, birthing and raising small precious humans has made me aware of all the things that can befall us in life. Losing mum so suddenly during my pregnancy with Little H also made me very fearful of something going wrong; it was a stark reminder that bad stuff can happen out of the blue.
As Anna mentions in her book, every expectant mother (and father) intimately knows ‘The Fear’. It’s something I have written about myself both about parenting Little H (The fear and worry of parenthood) and of expecting Little Z (Pregnancy the second time round). But it’s incredibly easy to get so caught up in this and let The Fear change how we live, stifling the fun and experiences we have. We can get so focused on the things that can go wrong that we lose sight of the amazing gifts life has given us.
The one major positive life-altering thing I took from losing Mum almost 4 years ago was to remember to live for the now. Seeing how fast my girls grow and change has re-enforced this. I still prepare for the future of course, but I allow myself to immerse in the moment more than I used to. To stop my mind from wandering to much. However much one plans and prepares, life can have it’s own plans. I don’t believe in fate or that our lives are pre-mapped out. But I do believe there are things that happen which are beyond our control. So it’s important that we value what we have rather than dwell on what we don’t or what we desire.
As I sat in bed that night reading my book, I mentally stepped back and looked at my life. What I saw made me smile and made me very grateful. Some of what I have comes from my own hard work. Some of what I have has been given to me by nature, good luck or fortunate circumstance. Either way, I feel incredibly lucky and grateful to have what I have. And for all the goods and bads of days-to-day life, I am going to make a better effort not to forget this!