**Soppy post alert** My posts usually see me grumble or moan a bit; Are usually sarcastic or cynical; Or are replaying event that have happened. I rarely find myself wanting to gush about feeling happy and contented. But walking to the car last Thursday, at the end of my working week, I felt a real flood of emotion hit me at the thought of seeing Little H within a few minutes. I found myself walking to the car a little faster with a smile on my face at the thought of the cuddle I’d soon receive.
The last couple of weeks have been quite tough with H being quite ill. I was probably the most sleep-deprived I’ve been since we were in newborn mode; I was alone trying to deal with circumstances that scared me, just like newborn days. But unlike newborn days, I knew I could cope. I got-up in the night and checked her fever hadn’t got worse. I cuddled her in the wee hours when she cried and felt afraid on her own with a painful throat. I forced medication into her although she resisted because I knew she needed it to feel better. At no point through all of this did I find myself questioning my abilities or if this stress and disruption would ever end. Instead I found myself so grateful that I had a wonderful little person who was mine to care for and who wanted me with her! I felt like I was actually doing a good job at this ‘Mum’ thing.
Recently I also had a tough day with H when some family were round and Sam was out. Little H was showing-off, as toddlers do, and in the process was getting over-excited and over-tired. As the day progressed she started venting her frustrations on me – Mummy who was imposing rules when she just wanted to have fun. I felt like enemy number 1 and so distanced from her in those moments. I can normally read her behaviour so well, but on this day I couldn’t and on top of everything else going on, it broke my heart a little. It sounds so trivial but sometimes the little things become too much.
Anyway, when Sam got home and our visitors left, I collapsed on the sofa with a tired headache. When Sam asked what had made me so tired, it brought me to tears; Crying was the only way I could get the build-up of emotions out. A very tired Little H wandered over and looked at me. Seeing my silent tears, her face went instantly from smiles to concern. I picked her up and she touched my damp cheeks. When the tears didn’t stop she started to look really upset; Her bottom lip came out and on the verge of tears herself she laid her heavy little head on my shoulder. In that second, her behaviour to me that day was forgotten. Her reaction to my upset made my heart burst; It reminded me of that unbreakable bond that exists between her and me.
Being a parent is hard. There is no escape from it. Even when you have a child-free day, they consume your thoughts. It’s not always a conscious thing but it’s there; I don’t worry about H when I’m at work but the panic is almost immediate if I realise I’ve left my phone on my desk. What if the nursery calls in that 15 minutes I’m away?!?! I
But in contrast to those hard times, there are all the smiles and cuddles. There are the moments where the simplest of things (pulling a funny face, rocking from side to side, dancing like a loon) can reduce Little H to a giggling heap. There are the all the looks of amazement and astonishment she gives me when she hears a noise she doesn’t recognise, sees a squirrel running around beneath a tree or she sees Anna get hit by Elsa’s magic for the zillionth time watching ‘Frozen’. I get to share so many of those moments with her. She seeks me out to share those moments with her, calling “Mummy” and then pulling to me to where she wants me by a finger gripped my her small, soft little palm.
Since having my daughter, my view of the world has altered. I have always been a competitive and goal driven person. That hasn’t changed. But those feelings are tempered now by my desire to live in the present; To absorb and relish this time I have with my beautiful, funny and intelligent daughter. Whilst I hope that she and I will be together for a long, long time, these days where I am the centre of her world will be short lived. So I fully intend to continue throwing myself wholeheartedly into it. Because I’ll be quite honest…I love being a Mum!