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February 22, 2017 at 6:39 am by Angela

I’m going to open by stressing that I could not love my daughter anymore than I do; it’s not possible. I love every bone in her body through to every crazy hair on her little head. I know it doesn’t happen immediately for everyone, but I loved her from the moment she arrived. And as she has grown that love has changed and evolved from not only just being raw and maternal but also love for the little person she is becoming. I’m hoping that comes across in most of what I write on this blog. However, in the last few weeks I have found myself having moments where…*whispers under her breath*…I don’t always like her.

I remember when Little H was born and she was a simple being doing just the instinctive things. Sometimes, I’ll be honest again, that period could get a bit boring as I didn’t get anything back. Then she started doing more and moved into toddlerhood and she became a lot of fun; her personality started to shine through and we would have such laughs together. But she still looked to mummy for help and support. I couldn’t understand how parents out there would say they were having a day where they didn’t like their offspring.

Then, about a week before her second birthday, something changed in her head. A wireless ‘Toddler Update’ perhaps to install the ‘Terrible Twos’ programme?! Whatever it was, suddenly everything became a drama. Everything became a battle. Anything could induce a tantrum for no discernible reason at no notice and in any location. Within the space of two of my ‘at home’ days with Little H the following ‘went down’:

•• She wanted to go up the aisle in Sainsburys. When I headed that way, she wanted to go down. Then up. Then she laid down on the floor and yelled.

•• When I gave her some raisins in a bowl for a snack, she threw some on the floor. I asked her not to throw or I’d take the bowl…so she threw more. I took the bowl. She burst into hysterical tears. 5 minutes of explaining what she did and asking what was wrong she finally dribbled the word “Bowl” out because she wanted…you guessed it…her raisins.

•• She laid down on the floor in John Lewis under a clothes rack because I asked her to hold my hand. She did it again in children’s clothes in Sainsburys. (When I told her how a passing little boy wasn’t doing then in an attempt to get up, the mum looked at me and said “He used to that!” with a sympathetic look. Thanks fellow mum for reassuring me I wasn’t alone!).

•• I gave her her post-nap milk and she threw it on the floor. As I cleaned it up, she picked it up again, glared and me and threw it on the floor. I asked her to not throw. She did it 3 more times (each with a stronger glare) until I took the milk and she had a tantrum.

This sudden and extreme change has shocked me. I knew it would get tougher as she developed her independence. What I didn’t expect was for it to happen like someone flicked a switch. It’s exhausted me and emotionally bashed me. Mainly because at least once a day right now I look at her shouting at me, throwing something at me or crying at me for trying to take care of her and all I can think is “I don’t like you.”. It could be for a fleeting second, for minutes through to the entire morning. But it’s there and then it’s immediately coupled with Mum Guilt for thinking that about my little amazing person whom I absolutely adore!

But then I reminded myself that she’s a person. A small person but a person nonetheless. She not only has her own personality but she is learning and developing at an astounding rate. There isn’t a single adult person in my life who I haven’t had the “I don’t like you.” thought about at some point or another…including my husband. Including myself! So why would Little H be any different?! The most important thing through all of it is that she still has the love of her mummy. It’s that love that makes me to take a deep breath and endure it, forces me to step into a different room for 30 seconds to calm down.

So I say now in a non-hushed tone: I don’t always like my daughter. But my love for her is never under question.

This post has been linked-up to some of the amazing linkys below:

Tammymum   Keep Calm and Carry On Linking Sunday

3 Little Buttons   Mummuddlingthrough

My Petit Canard   The Pramshed

 
Posted in Mum Life
 
Tags: #BlogCrush, #CoolMum, #DreamTeam, #FamilyFun, #fortheloveofBLOG, #KCACOLS, #MarvMondays, don't like, like, Love, mum guilt, Tantrum, terrible twos, throwing, Toddler,
 
Some comments:
  1. My 2yo has just started the same sort of stuff, out of nowhere! He’s always been such a mild-mannered chap but now he is the most stubborn little guy. If I dare interrupt his playtime to feed him some tea he screams and howls and refuses to eat until I let him resume what he’s doing. #familyfunlinky

    • Oh I’m always so relieved to hear it’s not just me! You know deep down it’s normal behaviour but when it’s such dramatic change then it does feel personal. They say showing independence and defiance at this stage makes for strong and self sufficient adults… It better! Thanks for reading xx

  2. Mines never really done tantrums as such (the big one, the little one isn’t there yet!)
    but he has been a pain in the bum! And I certainly do not always like him!!

    #coolmumclub

    • It’s a weird feeling to not like someone you love that much. It’s taken me by surprise but glad to know it’s just part of parenthood! Thanks for reading xx

    • Yeh you might escape unscathed. But just be prepare incase he changes overnight. That was what caught me off guard! I think I’m getting more used to the tantrums now… Thanks for reading x

  3. Haha! You’re certainly not alone! Mr C likes to remind me that sometimes I don’t like Amelia because at that age they can be a bit like amplified mirrors, broadcasting back at you the least favourite of your own character traits, only massively exaggerated. #fortheloveofBLOG

    • Gosh that’s a brilliant but scary way of putting it. He might have something there! But don’t tell him that else he might think he’s right πŸ˜‰ Thanks for reading xx

  4. Yep it sounds very much like a day in the life for me at the minute. I have two tantrumming naughty toddlers at the minute and there are many parts of the day where I am not convienced I like them and their attitude all that much. That said like you my love is never in any doubt and I give them their grace to be naughty as they currently don’t know any better and are learning. That said my patience is thing after he 17th do not jump on the sofa… thanks for joining us at #familyfun xx

  5. Oh my goodness I could write something similar myself. On the lead up to turning two my eldest had a tantrum every day over something so small! #familyfun

    • That’s reassuring to hear that I am experiencing typical 2yo behaviour. I hope it passes one day. Haha! Thanks for reading x

  6. Oh I remember this feeling so well from when mine were small – they really really test you don’t they and there is nothing gorgeous and lovely and adorable and beautiful or remotely likeable when they are being so disgusting! But rest assure it doesn’t last forever! Wine or gin my lovely – works wonders – for you obviously! #fortheloveofBLOG
    justsayingmum recently posted…Bloggers’ Cafe Episode 3!My Profile

    • It’s a relief to know it does pass. She’s been a bit better recently fortunately. It’s easier to cope with if there are some ups to counter balance the downs! You must have had super power to deal with 3 under 4. I have a lot of respect! Thanks for your lovely comment xx

    • Yes. For the most part I can cope fine with it but when they suddenly ‘change’, well that’s a shock! Thanks for reading x

  7. I always remember my mum saying “I love you, but I don’t like you right now” when I was naughty and it’s something I totally get as a parent!! They really can test us at times. Thanks for joining #marvmondays x
    Fran Back With A Bump recently posted…Marvellous MondaysMy Profile

    • I think my mum might have said that actually now you mention it. We really all are destined to become our parents (well in some form or another!). Thanks for reading xx

  8. I think that’s a really great point you made at the end – that we have those “I don’t like you” moments with everybody. I’m not sure why, but that’s reassuring.

    When I’m really struggling with my toddler, I try to remind myself how frustrating it must be to not be able to fully explain what you want or how you feel. It makes her behaviour easier to understand.

    I hope this phase passes quickly for you both #blogcrush
    Lucy At Home recently posted…Blog Crush #2: 24th February 2017My Profile

    • Absolutely. It’s easy to brush off young children in a ‘be seen and not heard’ sort of way. But they deserve to express themselves and it’s harder for them because their brains are still learning to communicate. I know how frustrated I get if I lose my voice or something. She’s been calmer recently so, whilst we’ll have more drama at some point, for now it’s a bit easier again! Thanks for reading xx

  9. Absolutely. Loving someone does not mean having to like everything that they do. There are many aspects of my teen’s behaviour that I don’t like and I have been honest and told her that. However, she knows that I always love her. #fortheloveofBLOG

    • I think I remember my mum saying it to me actually. Think it’s important to understand that as you approach young adulthood. Thanks for reading xx

  10. Oh lovely I could have written this post, it is that true to my life right now. Some days are great and we’re having such fun…then other days I just can’t explain it. All I can say is I completely agree with the phrase “I love you but I don’t like you right now!” Thanks for linking up to #dreamteam xx
    Bridie By The Sea recently posted…Dear Emma, Approaching TwoMy Profile

    • I think it must be a parenting rite-of-passage. Or a reality check that they are just becoming people now rather than our perfect little angels. Ah, who am I kidding, she’ll always be my little angel but just with devilish behaviour. Glad to know I’m not the only one experiencing this! Thanks for reading x

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Hello, I'm Angela. I'm Mum to one small person. I'm a Techie, Gardener, cake lover and tea addict. I also have far too many opinions...hence the blog. You can read more about me here. You can also follow me on Twitter so you never miss a post. Hope you enjoy reading!
   


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